Cohabitation: Moving In Together BEFORE Tying the Knot

January 9, 2010
By Ashley

Cohabitation, once considered “shacking up”, is now the norm for many couple in many contemporary societies.  There are many reasons couples decide to move in together, the number one reason being that people want to test the waters before marriage to see if they can make a marriage work.  It sounds logical, but studies and statistics show that this is actually false and that it often leads to a higher rate of divorce.

Now, I’m not here to discourage any of you from making the move.  Heck, I’m living with my boyfriend so I can’t say much!  However, I do want to bring up some pros, cons, and some general things to consider before making the move so you don’t get yourself in a situation that leads to unnecessary unhappiness and break-ups.

The Benefits of Living together

Moving in together may be the next logical step in a committed relationship, especially if you both are seriously considering marriage.  You get to learn the habits of one another, which can be helpful since many people have specific preferences for cleanliness, eating, sleeping, and hygiene.  You get a better look at a person’s lifestyle and are able to determine if you can deal with their habits.

Living together also provides much more opportunity to spend time together.  If you both have busy schedules, it may often prove difficult to find the time for a date night or a romantic getaway.  When living together, you know that when you come home, you can have time to unwind and spend a quiet evening with your loved one.  You won’t have to miss them as much, which is very nice.

Another benefit of living together is you can see how responsible your significant other is.  This includes both financial and household responsibilities.  Do they pay their bills on time?  Are they good with money?  Are they willing to cook dinner if you do the dishes?  Money is often a factor in divorce, so knowing that you are on the same page with your partner about finances can save a relationship.

The Cons of Living together

Fights are an inevitable part of living with anyone, unless you tip-toe around the other person (which, in a relationship, probably means you aren’t being very honest with them or yourself).  Just think about when you were a child living with you parents and siblings, or that huge blow-out with your college roommate.  I believe a large part of this is sometimes you don’t get the alone time that everyone needs.  You may start to get sick of your partner being around every second of the day after you get home from work.  If you decide to live with someone, discuss and set apart time to be alone and when to be together.

An increase in infidelity is a common trend among those who choose to cohabitate without the commitment of marriage.  People feel less committed toward each other in these situations as opposed to a marriage, which can lead to cheating or the desire to be with other people.

If you choose to get married and have been living together, the joy of marriage often is not experienced.  You are already living together, you share the same bed, you have sex, you share responsibility; life goes back to the same old routine when the wedding is over.  The excitement of marriage is often missing, which may be a contributing factor on why many cohabitation situations do not lead down that path.

The point
Knowing the habits of your significant other can be helpful, but if you are in a healthy relationship with honesty, trust, understanding, compromise, and sacrifice, a towel on the floor isn’t going to break a marriage.  If you end up deciding you want to make the move, one thing that is necessary to discuss with your loved one is the reason of why you are moving in.  If the two of you aren’t on the same page on why you want to move in together (one seeing it as saving money while the other sees it as the step leading to marriage), heartache and unhappiness could result in a failed relationship.  Know what your partner wants out of your cohabitation arrangement so that there are no disappointing surprises in the future.

What tips do you recommend before making the move?

Related posts:

  1. 3 Fears When Moving in With a Significant Other: When to NOT make the move
  2. Languages of Love: How to Understand Each Other
  3. Sharing Your Skivvies With Your Roomie? You May Want To Re-Think That Decision
  4. Moving in With My Best Friend: Horror Story & Great Times
  5. JUST MARRIED: Consolidating Spaces

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  • The latest research shows that only 5% of women and 9% of men say they cohabit as a step toward marriages. Instead, both men and women report their main reason for cohabiting is to spend more time together.

    In addition, the following are other of the many "advantages" of cohabitation...

    While marriage is touted as THE only way to truly have a successful, committed relationship, there are many distinct advantages to cohabitation that are often overlooked, a few of which are as follows:

    1) Time-bound

    One BIG advantage of cohabitation is that it is NOT until death do you part. Instead, it’s more likely bound by the one-year lease you have on your apartment or some other form of limitation set up in your calendar. It can be beneficial to talk upfront about the relationship’s “life-span!” You should consider declaring a particular date 6 or 12 months out, and then sit down at that time to evaluate how well the relationship is going. If things have been good, perhaps you pick a longer time horizon until you do your next check up. If things have not gone well, you’ll more likely find it easier to end the relationship…. the lease is up and so is our time together.

    2) Maintain Individuality

    One assumption of marriage, like the unity candle ceremony demonstrates during the wedding, is that two people become one. However, suppose you’re not ready to take this bold step. Cohabitation allows you to work on building a relationship without necessarily giving up your individuality. A “separate but equal” approach can help reduce the anxiety that you might feel if you were to “lose yourself” in the relationship. No relationship gets better based on how much you give up to be in it. Living together is a low risk method to see IF you can live with someone, full-time and not diminish your individuality in the process.

    3) Eliminate Illusions

    It’s been said the if “love is blind” then “marriage is an institution for the blind!” It’s normal that in the early stages of a dating relationship, each partner is trying to put their best foot forward. One of the real shocks that can occur after marriage is to discover that the person you married is not who you thought. Cohabitation affords you the time for the illusions to disappear and the real person to emerge. When this happens in marriage and the image does not match the reality, it can send a shock wave through the marriage and creates a sense of being trapped in a deception. Instead, by living together, while you may be shocked by the reality of your partner’s hygiene habits, lack of anger management, passive-aggressive sniping, at least you’re not trapped… see #1 above.

    4) Practice Equality

    Successful relationships are about many things including creating a sense of equality. In days gone bye, it was not expected that the man and woman were equals. The man ruled and no one questioned it, despite what may have been disastrous consequences. Now, however, “power with” vs. “power over” is one key to making an intimate relationship work. During the dating phase of a relationship, it’s easy to maintain a “balance of power!” He picks a restaurant, she picks a movie and next time the roles shift. Once you move in together, you have the chance to see just how equal you are with your partner. The question of who controls the TV remote, who cleans the kitchen or who does laundry is quickly answered. The outcome is an important piece of information for you to know about your partner. If you are lucky, your partner values equality and if he or she does not, at least you learned it before walking down the aisle.

    While it has been said by many naysayers of cohabitation that you cannot “practice” commitment, I say bunk. Cohabitation has some real advantages over getting married, at least in the short term. The above are just a few.
  • Ashley
    I am not quite sure I can agree with your points, although I can see how others who may not have the same convictions as me could.
    First, most people do not move in with someone they have just met. So if a couple has been together for a while and then move in, usually this is done with the intention of marriage. Why would they want to move in together for a trial? It just doesn't make sense to me, but maybe that's how some people are.
    I believe a couple should focus on what really matters and build their relationship up while dating and living in different homes. Once you have a real, firm foundation, the silly little things people will fight about once living together won't even matter.
    If someone is worth moving in with, or marrying, then illusions and equality really shouldn't be a problem. I would hope that anyone moving in with another gave the time it takes to actually know someone and their character. You may not know everything, but you should know if they're loyal, equal, trustworthy, responsible, and worth having a future with.
    My take is that it really doesn't make any sense to live with someone unless you plan on marrying them. I'm a very monogamous person and pick who I am with carefully. But again, I understand not everyone does this.
  • Brie
    I definitely agree with being upfront about the length of a relationship. If both people are fine with living together with the knowledge that their future ends there, that's fine. I personally would never move in with someone if I didn't see the relationship becoming marriage.
    As for building up a relationship, why would cohabitation be necessary for that? I actually think not living together can make a TRUE bond stronger. What's the point in playing house?
    As for cohabitation breaking illusions, I think that if you're with someone with a substantial amount of time (two years minimum), then I'm pretty sure most illusions have been broken and whatever may "pop-up" in a marriage probably isn't going to make or break it. And if it does, then there were much deeper rooted issues that were going on, such as mistrust, dishonesty, not being able to compromise, and so forth. The same thing goes for the equality thing you mentioned. You can get a great sense of how equal a partner is again, through time and experience.
    I think cohabitation is truly unnecessary. But that's alright to have differing opinions!
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